It is warm tonight for early spring and a gentle rain is falling. I have been drinking tea and having snacks this evening instead of being passed out in bed for 12 hours. I suppose this is one of the side effects of ethanol, disturbed sleep, but that bottle wore off nine hours ago. I just have some thinking to do tonight and need some quality time for myself.
I watched part of a lecture tonight on how to write academic papers. You start with a problem that matters to people who might read your work and then propose a solution. This gives your writing value. Well, this journal seems to be about nothing but my own problems lately. I have no real solution for my problems, aside from putting an end to the behaviors that cause the problems in the first place.
One problem I had earlier this year is that my friend got me hooked on smoking for a while there. It was a real problem because not only is smoke addictive, it also costs a lot of money I don’t have. I tried quitting a dozen times, after every pack ran out, but I burned through a lot of my money buying smoke that does nothing but pollute my lungs. It has been about a month now I have been off the smoke, and I had a little help.
With almost my last $15 I bought a small container of nicotine lozenges. When I got the urge to smoke I sucked on a lozenge until the nicotine hit me and the craving was satisfied. Then I wrapped the lozenge up in a piece of foil and put it in my pocket. It took 2 weeks, but in the end I only used two lozenges in those two weeks, and I haven’t bought smokes since.
I wish there was some way to do the same thing with ethanol. Yes, there is naltrexone, or vivitrol, but I am already on dopamine and serotonin blockers and don’t want to block my endorphins as well. Kava seems to cut my cravings for booze, and I have some on the way later today. I went almost three days before this morning, but failed at staying off the sauce. Today I start over. Today I beat this thing and find happiness in the creatures around me.
My dog creature Junior has taken over my bed. He’s curled up with my pillow. He snores a little now and then and twitches in his dreams. It’s after one AM now and I am still not tired despite the cup of chamomile tea. I have been sleeping 12 hours a night for the last month or more it seems, so one sleepless night won’t bother me. What I need to do is read some of the blogs here on WordPress and find other people who write about their life. This is a personal journal, and these are my thoughts. Make of them what you will.