I failed at sobriety yesterday, but I did not get wasted. A pint of cheap vodka strung out over the day didn’t do much to me but calm me down. I drank it in a lot of water. I slept OK last night, probably because I turned off the computer and listened to the radio. I had strange dreams that I was back in school.
Today the weather has turned wet and messy. It is supposed to snow on up through tomorrow. I am still waiting for the sun to light up the day so I can see what’s going on. I went to Kroger yesterday, but forgot to get the cereal. It was crowded of course, being Sunday, but I didn’t have much of a problem. I saved two dollars on Hershey’s Kisses for Dad.
I am going to go make another cup of tea and get ready to face the day. I won’t be planning on drinking today, and as far as I am concerned, I don’t think I need that shit any more in my life. I know I say this a lot, but I am sick of what that shit does to me, even though it calms me down. I have some kava tea to help calm me down and some chamomile. I think I am going to be alright, it just takes time to get through these problems and see the light of day.
I fell asleep early last night and woke up early this morning. It is still not six AM around here, and it is just below freezing outside. I had some tea and some walnut milk. I am thinking of going vegan again, even after almost polishing off a 12 pound turkey for thanksgiving.
The snow is coming for tomorrow and Tuesday, so I have to get the grocery shopping done some time today. Hopefully it will not be too much of a problem. The moon is out this morning and is almost full. I am thinking about giving up beer for good now.
All that Beast Ice did for me yesterday was clean out my intestines. Seriously, it was like a dose of salts. I can live without the shits to tell you the truth. I made a good dinner yesterday as well, and generally tried to be good company. I played some Skyrim yesterday, but only got into a couple fights with a wolf and a punk bandit. I may take over the bandit cave today, who knows.
It’s rough for me in winter. The sky is all clouded over and gray most days, it is cold, the snow falls and needs to be shoveled. Summer has its own set of chores. I think today I am going to count my blessings and be grateful that I have a roof over my head and food on the table. I don’t need any expensive shit for the holidays, and I have at least one person to call friend in these troubled times.
I bought two beers today. Milwaukee’s Best Ice silos. It cost me $2.51. They got downed in an hour and a half. I did not get more beer. I did not get drunk. I am not overly sleepy. I am a fool.
I have been watching transformation videos on YouTube this afternoon. It’s hard for me to find decent videos about health. I watched some exercise motivation stuff, but it was all full of steroid abusers. Why are there so many steroid users in the fitness community? I thought that shit was supposed to be illegal. It will stop your heart as well, so it is dangerous. Oh well, people gonna die someday.
So I drank a couple beers today. I don’t feel bad about it and I am not all fucked up. I have to do some walking now to burn off some of the excess calories. I will be straight tomorrow and keep away from any excess consumption.
I had horrible dreams last night. I was trying to plow the garden with the tractor. I had dug a huge pit for something. It looked like an open grave. The plow kept coming loose from the tractor. The hitch on the tractor started falling apart. I awoke.
Before that dream I was in a prison. People were making corn bread. I got a job fishing. This kind of shit went on all night. I had a very unrestful night and woke up late.
It’s 27 F outside this morning and frost is all over everything. Snow is on the way for early next week. I have a cup of tea now and I have my clothes on, so I am not going back to bed. I don’t know why I am even posting this in my journal. I guess I just need something to talk to this morning, and the journal is it.
I am going to do my best to stay away from alcohol today. I listened to some sad Irish girl on YouTube last night talking about how she used to be a drunk and do stupid shit like mash her face into a cake and smear it all over herself. She was crying because she had been sober for six months and she missed being a party girl. At least I don’t have her problems.
Maybe I will play some Skyrim today, I don’t know. I am kinda sick of the Elder Scrolls actually. Simulated killing machines and no real adventure. Why do they always start out with you being a prisoner and having to save the world. You want to save the world from the dragons in Skyrim? Don’t do the Bleak Falls Barrow quest, the main quest line unleashes the dragons. Do what you are told and the dragons will hound you everywhere you go and kill all of your friends. So sad.
That’s all for this morning. I have to get more tea and check on Dad. Maybe I will write some poetry today. I feel lyrical.
It’s just after five in the afternoon and it is dark outside. It looks like I will get through today without using alcohol. Hopefully tomorrow I can do the same. I really hate what that shit has done to my life. I am taking my vitamins today and plenty of fish oil. I pretty much snacked today on leftover turkey. I have some sweet potatoes in the oven, will be boiling some asparagus, and will make some scrambled eggs for protein.
Today was a long day of recovery. I don’t need to go through any more long nights like last night where it is difficult to get to sleep. I read a rather long article on WordPress here by another alcoholic about his so-called hangxiety, which isn’t even a word. If you have a hangover and you are feeling anxious, well, call it what you want, but that never happens to me. I haven’t had a hangover in years. I am feeling better this evening, probably because I have stayed away from the beer and cleaned out my closet.
I have to get the asparagus ready to cook now and get the table set for dinner. I like having a light meal every now and then instead of another turkey feast like we had last night. I have half a 12 pound turkey left in the fridge and will probably be snacking off that for the next few days. I have half a mind to never go back to the corner liquor store ever again. What am I doing pissing away all my money on lousy beer and cheap booze? I think I can do better getting some exercise and taking care of things around the house like I did today. I got two loads of laundry done today and visited with my Dad a bit. I don’t need any more bullshit from alcohol in my life.
It’s only a little after three this afternoon but it already seems like a long day. I stayed away from the booze today and didn’t go out to the store at all. Dad is binge watching Forensic Files on HLN this afternoon. I don’t find shows about killers interesting.
It is supposed to be sunny tomorrow and Sunday, but a winter storm is coming for early next week. I’ve got a headache this afternoon, for obvious reasons, but nothing I would take a pain killer for. I haven’t had a good conversation in ages. The only people who talk to me any more are my doctors and social workers. I feel like a total loser today.
I have no desire to play games today. This alcohol shit is really getting me down. I think I need to find help, but I don’t know where to turn these days. Perhaps if I just lay off the booze and live sober for a while I will get through this. It’s no good when the bottle is your only friend.
Alcohol made me sick the first time I tried it,
But that didn’t stop me from going back for more.
My parents drank when I was young, but they quit
When they saw what it was doing to their lives.
I had friends in college who drank at parties,
I had other friends who drank every night.
Today I chose not to drink at all, aside from tea,
And I am starting to feel better about myself.
The world would be a better place if alcohol was gone.
I would be a more capable man if I swore it off.
The years I wasted, relationships unraveled, injuries,
Nothing to show for my trouble but pain.
I am having cravings for beer now, but I won’t give in to them. The last cup of tea gave me a bit of a headache. There’s no doubt that alcohol shit is addictive. I am still trying to figure out what I ever saw in that intoxicant. Beer makes people stupid, and I am not stupid today.
I think I will make myself a cup of chamomile tea. Maybe I should do something around the house today to make up for yesterday. Maybe I should look for help with my problems. Right now this journal is my only friend.
Even now it’s calling to me, the foul brew. Cup of pain and woe. Over three million people die every year in this world from alcohol-related diseases. How many people die from smoking weed? Probably not anywhere near three million.
I have to be strong today, or weak. I haven’t quite figured it out yet. It’s quiet in the house now. I have yet another cup of tea to drink. How has my life gotten so out of control that my only pleasure left is cold beer?
I sit in my room, alone,
Wondering why I am here.
I used to have friends, or people
I thought of as friends. Now,
My Dad is my only friend.
If you asked me 30 years ago
What I thought life would be like
When I got old and gray,
I would have never guessed
I would be here, writing poems to myself.
No job, no money, no family,
No kids, no future.
Now the cold winter looms.
Why do I waste my time
Crafting words without meaning?
It’s no wonder I drink, what else
Is there to accomplish?
I need to read more poetry,
Connect with others,
And build a future for myself.