I had two chocolate kisses for a treat tonight, and so far today I have eaten about 1600 Calories. It’s quarter past nine now and starting to get dark outside. I don’t know why I am sitting here at my computer typing another journal entry. It’s too warm and humid in this room, but I have some tea.
I broke down and wrote a couple poems today. I haven’t been feeling too well lately. It’s been three days now since I have had any alcohol and about as long since I smoked any ganja. I don’t really like not having an escape, and when I am straight like this for so long I get depressed as I really have nothing to show for my life.
I am getting really tired of watching all the utter Bullshit videos on YouTube about diet and exercise. They all say the same shit depending on what their personal preferences are for some diet like carnivore or vegan. Me, I have heard the same thing over and over again. Eat less, move more. That is what I do now with no real results. Still, I weigh less than I have since 2005 when I was locked up in the hospital again and put on drugs again. That’s all they do for you now when you have mental problems, lock you into a chemical straight jacket and wait for you to die.
I had a little visit last week from my case manager to fill out their damned paperwork. “Who is in your support network Bill?” he asked, and I basically told him nobody. I have no people I can rely on for emotional support. I have nobody to talk to about my problems. People are always telling me their problems. It’s because I listen. I should be a mean motherfucker and just tell people to keep their fucking problems to themselves. What are my choices anyway? I’d rather be left alone than to have people in my life use me as their personal dumping ground for all their shit problems.
Well, I almost bought some alcohol today, but I decided it was a total waste. I took exactly two hits off my empty hash pipe, which cheered me up a bit but left me wanting more. I took Junior for four walks today despite the afternoon rain. I wrote and published two poems. I walked in my room for over four hours. I stayed home today and didn’t go anywhere.
That’s all for now. I don’t know what to do with this blog. I may change it tomorrow. Now, all I want to do is relax and listen to something that is not total bullshit and try to learn something about how I can change my life and get away from all the motherfuckers who were supposedly treating my mind, but who are in fact cashing in on a valuable resource, medical insurance.