Self respect is something I have been lacking for most of my life. I don’t know what I was thinking yesterday to spend the afternoon drinking and make a date with my friend to do more drinking. It made me think all last night that there has to be something better than just going with the flow. There has to be something better than getting wasted and listening to some god awful music all night. I need to invest in my future, not drain my life away.
Taking care of your body and your mind should be the first principle of self respect. Alcohol destroys both the body and the mind and I know enough now that I don’t want it in my life. I don’t want any part of the stupid decisions I make when I am drunk and I don’t want the physical and mental degradation that goes along with drinking. Also, I don’t want any part of any weed smoking. I did enough of that back in the day for any number of lifetimes.
In about an hour I have to head out to the grocery store and the hardware store to get some things for this house. I have to do something about the mildew growing on the walls in the other bathroom. I have to get some healthy food in this house. I don’t know if I am going to go on any long distance drives today to see my friend. She only seems to have two things on her mind these days. The virus has every restaurant closed aside from takeout, and there is really nothing to do on a date except shop. I just feel bad today because I am thinking I am about to lose my last friend.
I would like to be able to inspire change in other people, but how can I when I can’t even change myself. It’s too easy to fall into the trap of self hatred, but it is hard to pull yourself up from the nothing you have become. I need to take care of some business around the house today and steer clear of any urges to get drunk or high. I think it would be good to talk to some people about my problems, but I know nobody who would understand. There’s a lot of trouble in the world today and I don’t need to add to it. I need to find something I can do to boost my self esteem, and wallowing in self pity is not helping.