Frustrated

I want to find another place to live. Things are getting too developed around here. All morning they have been bulldozing a trench for the water line across the street. There is a lot of traffic on the road. I don’t like being a slave of the county health department. Most of all, I don’t like being dirt poor.

What I have to do is find a way to make a living. I have been writing for years now and managed to make $271 off my work some years ago, but even so, that was like less than ten cents an hour for what I did. I am losing money on this blog. I don’t have that many readers, and I am not about to write damned stupid articles on how I cure alcoholism with hypnosis and try to sell sessions to my readers like one of my feeds here just did this morning. I am not an expert on anything any more.

It would be nice to win the lottery, but there is little chance of that ever happening. I don’t have any rich uncles at death’s door who will leave me their fortune in their will. I don’t know any rich women to get hitched to, or even any poor working girls who would provide for me. The only future I can see for myself when my Dad passes is as a homeless bum wandering the streets picking empties out of the trash for the deposits. You could say I am feeling a bit down today.

I looked around at land prices this morning. There is no way I can afford my own place. I have a little more than two dollars in the bank now. I can’t get a job because I have to take care of things around the house. Right now I just want to disconnect from everything and start over some place warm. I don’t mean to complain, but I have wasted my life chasing rainbows when I should have been building a business and trying to make my own living and fortune for the future. It’s no wonder all I want to do these days is get drunk and forget everything that is wrong with my life.

The sun is shining this morning, though it is cold. It is finally quiet after the bulldozer moved on down the road. I have to think about what to have for dinner. I have to get lunch for myself soon. I have to stop thinking about all the things I can’t have and be thankful for what I have got. It is time to take a ride down the road and pick up something for our meal. It is time to disconnect and think. Bye for now.

Early Morning

I had intense dreams all night long. I woke up early. Yesterday I drank a six pack of LaBatt’s. Today, I am out of money to party with. I played Skyrim for a while this morning, chopping wood and forging iron daggers. I don’t do much in that game, just pretend to be a villager. I don’t follow the main quest. I don’t fight bandits. I have a shack and a horse and a woman. It’s almost time for some breakfast.

Two AM

It’s two in the morning and I am not sleepy. I have a lot of thinking to do today. I restored a lot of blog posts that I trashed six days ago, but they all had to be republished. Now they are all out of order and have today’s date stamped on them, but I don’t care. My blog reads like word salad now, but that doesn’t bother me.

I have to move on but I can’t forget the past. My life was a real mess back in the day and I can’t let it get that way again. I still have problems, but they are minor. I think about things like where am I going to be in five years? I don’t even know what I am going to do today. I think right now I am going to take a pill and just chill on this blogging stuff. Hopefully the morning will bring better things to my attention than the fact that yesterday I screwed up.

Plant Based Diet

I really have to get my weight under control. In the past few years I have experimented with trying to eat a plant based diet, but it was never anything which I stuck with. I made up my mind yesterday to ditch the meat, milk and eggs, and so far today I have eaten only plants. I feel pretty good and have dropped about a pound, but that could be water weight.

The human body can cope with various diets. For a while there I was eating animal based foods and my weight and my cholesterol shot up. I have decided to give the vegan diet a try now for enough time to see if I can make any progress on my weight loss goals. It’s hard for me because the doctors have me on psychiatric drugs which cause serious weight gain. I just have to be very careful with what I put in my body.

I think I have watched every video on YouTube about plant based eating. It is terrible what they put animals through in the modern world just so we can eat meat, milk and eggs. This morning I woke up and made a cup of tea. I blended up a habanero pepper in some water and drank it down. I had a small bowl of navy beans with barbecue sauce. Later in the morning I cooked up a big bowl of hulled barley with chopped onion. This afternoon I had a turnip smoothie and some potato chips. I will have a sweet potato and maybe some tofu for dinner tonight.

Aside from the chips and some ground flax seeds, I haven’t had much fat today. My belly is bulging right now with the accumulated adipose tissue that has been stored over the last few years. I was slightly active today, listening to videos and walking, hefting my medicine ball from hand to hand, but I didn’t lift any respectable weight. I need to limit my intake of Calories and get a handle on this weight problem, and changing my diet is the first step in getting into better shape.

I know I am not the only person in this world who needs to lose excess body fat. There are many people who are just morbidly obese. That fortunately is not my problem. I need to drop about 50 pounds and try to pack on some muscle. I have been clean from alcohol now for the past 11 days, though I had some cravings this morning. Alcohol is just about the worst drug in the world in my opinion. I think I can make it through the rest of the year without drinking that stuff, and hopefully stay clear of it in 2021.

Right now I am going to try and find a lecture on losing fat and getting into shape. For a long time I have been watching videos on bodybuilding, but that sport is so full of drugs it defies all logic. You only have to look at all the people who have dropped dead over the last few years, like Rich Piana, and see that this is not the lifestyle for better health. If I want to get into better shape I am going to have to clean up my life and my diet and do something about becoming more active. A plant based diet seems like a good way to start, and it is sure a lot cheaper than eating expensive cuts of meat. Take care people, and do what you can to stay healthy.

A New Year

For the first day of the year here in southeast Michigan the weather sure is miserable. We have had ice, freezing rain, rain, and snow already today and it is not supposed to let up until almost tomorrow morning. I have stayed inside today exercising and eating sensible, healthy food. Dinner has to go on in a few minutes.

I have been on a vegan diet now for the last six days, but my weight really hasn’t dropped much. It is sixteen days now since I bought alcohol, and I am not planning on going back to that deadly routine any time soon. I haven’t smoked any weed either, and don’t have the cash for such things. 2021 is going to be the year I lose 40 pounds of fat and get into better shape.

I ran my numbers through some online calculators this morning. My BMI is 31.5 or so, and I am at just about 32% body fat. My resting metabolic rate is 1750 Calories, but I am fairly active, so I probably burn at least another 500 Calories a day. I used an exercise calculator to guess how much I am burning by walking in my room, and it came out to 300 Calories an hour. That just doesn’t seem accurate to me, because I have walked about 4 hours already today. I did bench presses with 70 pounds, did my dumbbell exercises, and walked for a half an hour wearing a 20 pound weight vest.

I have work to do now in the kitchen, but I will be back later to write another journal entry. Take care people, and may you all have a safe, happy new year in 2021.

Self Respect

Self respect is something I have been lacking for most of my life. I don’t know what I was thinking yesterday to spend the afternoon drinking and make a date with my friend to do more drinking. It made me think all last night that there has to be something better than just going with the flow. There has to be something better than getting wasted and listening to some god awful music all night. I need to invest in my future, not drain my life away.

Taking care of your body and your mind should be the first principle of self respect. Alcohol destroys both the body and the mind and I know enough now that I don’t want it in my life. I don’t want any part of the stupid decisions I make when I am drunk and I don’t want the physical and mental degradation that goes along with drinking. Also, I don’t want any part of any weed smoking. I did enough of that back in the day for any number of lifetimes.

In about an hour I have to head out to the grocery store and the hardware store to get some things for this house. I have to do something about the mildew growing on the walls in the other bathroom. I have to get some healthy food in this house. I don’t know if I am going to go on any long distance drives today to see my friend. She only seems to have two things on her mind these days. The virus has every restaurant closed aside from takeout, and there is really nothing to do on a date except shop. I just feel bad today because I am thinking I am about to lose my last friend.

I would like to be able to inspire change in other people, but how can I when I can’t even change myself. It’s too easy to fall into the trap of self hatred, but it is hard to pull yourself up from the nothing you have become. I need to take care of some business around the house today and steer clear of any urges to get drunk or high. I think it would be good to talk to some people about my problems, but I know nobody who would understand. There’s a lot of trouble in the world today and I don’t need to add to it. I need to find something I can do to boost my self esteem, and wallowing in self pity is not helping.

Alcohol Use Disorder

This is something I am trying to get under control. I never had much of a problem with alcohol until I shared an apartment with an alcoholic. You see, alcohol abuse is contagious. Much like drug abuse, you catch it from other people. They share their dysfunctional behaviors with you and pretty soon you have the same behaviors. Nobody lives in a vacuum, so hey.

Yesterday was hopefully my last dance with the devil. I got pretty hammered and lost a lot of sleep. I made some commitments with a friend I am going to have to do my best to salvage. Maybe we can work something out that will benefit us both. I know she needs a friend, as do I, and I know we both have a lot of the same problems. One of us at least has to be strong.

I think I will concentrate on making tea today and maybe we can go out and buy some herbal tea for a good witch’s brew. I have some work to do for Dad today cleaning, and hopefully my sister doesn’t come over and want to check up on us today. I am going to have to take care of myself today and stay away from any involvement in intoxicants.

Alcohol has taken its toll on my health over the years. I have a broken clavicle from one drunken night on my bicycle that still worries me. I have mental problems the doctors can’t figure out because of all the drugs I used to take. I don’t need to go back to that shit. I need to find a friend who will support me in healthy behaviors instead of encourage my own self-destructive nature.

Today might be a difficult day, but I will make it through. The weather looks like it will hold out for the coming week. I have work to do around the house, but it can wait. Right now I just want to walk off my troubles and get some healthy exercise in instead of sitting on my ass writing about all my problems.

Chamomile Tea

I made myself a cup of chamomile tea about an hour ago. It gives me a very calm and peaceful feeling. I am waiting on a phone call now from my friend. I have to tell her I don’t want her getting high in my house. I have to tell her I am not going to drink any alcohol. She is probably not going to be very happy.

I have a bad feeling about today. I don’t think I am going to get any rest for another two days. I think my sister is going to want to come over and visit. Dad is just getting finished with his shower and it is already after noon. I got a shower this morning and the whole thing took me ten minutes. I just feel bad today.

I think I am going to make another cup of tea. If I hang out with my friend today it is going to be a lot of driving. I want to just have my life simple like the way it was when I was a lonely single man.

Well, my girl just called and things went well with her. We are going to hang out for a day and be friends. I think I will have a good day and drag myself out of this funk I seem to have gotten myself into. Later readers.

Poetry is Code

The only way to get poetry to look normal
is to use the code editor in wordpress.
This leaves it as unformatted text
And you set the line and stanza breaks.

Yeah, this is an educational poem
given away for free, check legal page,
And yeah, I just hammered it out in code.

My New Dog

There was a robbery in the neighborhood yesterday, and having no home security is not a good thing in these troubled times. A decent dog is probably the best home security you can get, so I contacted the local Humane Society and went to look for a shelter dog.

The first dog I tried to walk was a big shepherd mix who was just so unruly all he wanted to do was jump all over me and bite. Then I asked about another I had seen online and that Dad liked, and while that dog was a bit wild he didn’t gnaw on my hands or jump all over me. So I said I was interested and arranged a four day trial. He is a terrier pitbull mix, and a fairly decent size of a dog. I brought him home in the truck this afternoon and got him used to our house. He’s a boy but his name is June, which sounds Asian to me.

I spent the entire afternoon and evening with this dog and he is very attentive, he obeys simple commands, and he doesn’t cause much trouble. He snores though, and farts, like most dogs, but I can put up with that. He is a very affectionate animal and gets along well with my Dad. They gave me a big writeup with him. I should probably go over it and see what he needs. Mostly I think he needs an older companion and a lot of work. He already goes on patrols of the house with me, so I think he will work out as a good security dog. It was a good use for a couple hundred dollars of my stimulus money, and he will be a good addition to our family.