I had horrible dreams last night. I was trying to plow the garden with the tractor. I had dug a huge pit for something. It looked like an open grave. The plow kept coming loose from the tractor. The hitch on the tractor started falling apart. I awoke.
Before that dream I was in a prison. People were making corn bread. I got a job fishing. This kind of shit went on all night. I had a very unrestful night and woke up late.
It’s 27 F outside this morning and frost is all over everything. Snow is on the way for early next week. I have a cup of tea now and I have my clothes on, so I am not going back to bed. I don’t know why I am even posting this in my journal. I guess I just need something to talk to this morning, and the journal is it.
I am going to do my best to stay away from alcohol today. I listened to some sad Irish girl on YouTube last night talking about how she used to be a drunk and do stupid shit like mash her face into a cake and smear it all over herself. She was crying because she had been sober for six months and she missed being a party girl. At least I don’t have her problems.
Maybe I will play some Skyrim today, I don’t know. I am kinda sick of the Elder Scrolls actually. Simulated killing machines and no real adventure. Why do they always start out with you being a prisoner and having to save the world. You want to save the world from the dragons in Skyrim? Don’t do the Bleak Falls Barrow quest, the main quest line unleashes the dragons. Do what you are told and the dragons will hound you everywhere you go and kill all of your friends. So sad.
That’s all for this morning. I have to get more tea and check on Dad. Maybe I will write some poetry today. I feel lyrical.
It’s just after five in the afternoon and it is dark outside. It looks like I will get through today without using alcohol. Hopefully tomorrow I can do the same. I really hate what that shit has done to my life. I am taking my vitamins today and plenty of fish oil. I pretty much snacked today on leftover turkey. I have some sweet potatoes in the oven, will be boiling some asparagus, and will make some scrambled eggs for protein.
Today was a long day of recovery. I don’t need to go through any more long nights like last night where it is difficult to get to sleep. I read a rather long article on WordPress here by another alcoholic about his so-called hangxiety, which isn’t even a word. If you have a hangover and you are feeling anxious, well, call it what you want, but that never happens to me. I haven’t had a hangover in years. I am feeling better this evening, probably because I have stayed away from the beer and cleaned out my closet.
I have to get the asparagus ready to cook now and get the table set for dinner. I like having a light meal every now and then instead of another turkey feast like we had last night. I have half a 12 pound turkey left in the fridge and will probably be snacking off that for the next few days. I have half a mind to never go back to the corner liquor store ever again. What am I doing pissing away all my money on lousy beer and cheap booze? I think I can do better getting some exercise and taking care of things around the house like I did today. I got two loads of laundry done today and visited with my Dad a bit. I don’t need any more bullshit from alcohol in my life.
It’s only a little after three this afternoon but it already seems like a long day. I stayed away from the booze today and didn’t go out to the store at all. Dad is binge watching Forensic Files on HLN this afternoon. I don’t find shows about killers interesting.
It is supposed to be sunny tomorrow and Sunday, but a winter storm is coming for early next week. I’ve got a headache this afternoon, for obvious reasons, but nothing I would take a pain killer for. I haven’t had a good conversation in ages. The only people who talk to me any more are my doctors and social workers. I feel like a total loser today.
I have no desire to play games today. This alcohol shit is really getting me down. I think I need to find help, but I don’t know where to turn these days. Perhaps if I just lay off the booze and live sober for a while I will get through this. It’s no good when the bottle is your only friend.
Alcohol made me sick the first time I tried it,
But that didn’t stop me from going back for more.
My parents drank when I was young, but they quit
When they saw what it was doing to their lives.
I had friends in college who drank at parties,
I had other friends who drank every night.
Today I chose not to drink at all, aside from tea,
And I am starting to feel better about myself.
The world would be a better place if alcohol was gone.
I would be a more capable man if I swore it off.
The years I wasted, relationships unraveled, injuries,
Nothing to show for my trouble but pain.
I am having cravings for beer now, but I won’t give in to them. The last cup of tea gave me a bit of a headache. There’s no doubt that alcohol shit is addictive. I am still trying to figure out what I ever saw in that intoxicant. Beer makes people stupid, and I am not stupid today.
I think I will make myself a cup of chamomile tea. Maybe I should do something around the house today to make up for yesterday. Maybe I should look for help with my problems. Right now this journal is my only friend.
Even now it’s calling to me, the foul brew. Cup of pain and woe. Over three million people die every year in this world from alcohol-related diseases. How many people die from smoking weed? Probably not anywhere near three million.
I have to be strong today, or weak. I haven’t quite figured it out yet. It’s quiet in the house now. I have yet another cup of tea to drink. How has my life gotten so out of control that my only pleasure left is cold beer?
I sit in my room, alone,
Wondering why I am here.
I used to have friends, or people
I thought of as friends. Now,
My Dad is my only friend.
If you asked me 30 years ago
What I thought life would be like
When I got old and gray,
I would have never guessed
I would be here, writing poems to myself.
No job, no money, no family,
No kids, no future.
Now the cold winter looms.
Why do I waste my time
Crafting words without meaning?
It’s no wonder I drink, what else
Is there to accomplish?
I need to read more poetry,
Connect with others,
And build a future for myself.
It’s almost ten already this morning. Dad finally got out of bed and he’s watching TV now. The morning is over for me. I have already started on lunch with the leftover turkey.
The sun is hidden behind the clouds. My morning sickness has passed. I had some asparagus in a smoothie. I may get another hot pepper in a while. Who pays attention to my life anyway?
The poem I wrote this morning got some likes, so that’s good. The poem I wrote a couple days ago is probably forgotten now. Why do I even write poetry? I don’t even know.
I am upset with myself for being a drunk. I don’t even know why I started drinking so many years ago. Today I have to find something better than drink to fill my time. Writing is good, but I don’t feel like I even know how to write any more.
I will have a quiet day at home today and do some chores. Dinner will be easy. I am not upset that my one friend didn’t even wish me a happy Thanksgiving. I am alone most of the time now and don’t even have a person I can talk to about my problems.
It is morning, cold and gray.
The trees have all lost their leaves
While snow and rain are on the way.
In their burrows the gophers sleep.
I have had my simple breakfast
Of hot peppers and cabbage.
Tea awaits me on the counter.
The eastern sky grows pale.
Would I were a bear
And slept through the cold months
In a cave under the snow.
But I am man and must suffer the chill.
I am brewing my third cup of tea this morning. I have some music going on YouTube now, witch music. Where are you even going to get music like Omnia except somewhere on the net?
I have to get my act together and do something about my lot in life. I have ten dollars now, and that is going to have to last me a while. No more buying alcohol for me.
I should write some poems today. The last poem I wrote got a lot of views and likes, then somehow dropped out of the scene and got nothing after a day. I guess I don’t write things that get a lot of page views. I guess I am a loser.
It’s so dark in the morning now. It’s getting colder outside. Soon the snows will come. I need a shave.